It'll be a mouthful to pen down my updates, thoughts and what have you over the last week since my last entry. I'll try to keep it short, but since some quirky folks have Teachers Day to read, hope you guys can finish reading without falling asleep.
I was suppose to get my haircut over the course of the week before, but decided to be adventurous and try a new hairdo. Gonna attempt to keep it longer, hope it doesnt turn into a frizzly orange pom-pom. I had spent my entire weekend in church for the revival series. It's refreshing, and would have been pretty life changing had it not been the fact that I had learnt most of the stuff back in Sydney. Was in church til 11.30pm on Friday, 11.20pm on Saturday, and rushed off on Sunday morning for Bilingual Service.
Funny things happen when I go for service. Haha, well normally we would have 10-10.30am to test the mikes, run through the songs and get ready for everything but this sunday we had the stage from 10.28am onwards, that leaves us with just about no time before service was suppose to start. We run thru one song and started at 10.40am in the end, so I would say we were rather unprepared. It didnt help I was nursing a dumb dumb sorethroat as well. I'm terribly embarrassed to say, I went hyper uber super duper ultra off at the 5th song. Haha, the most off I had every gone in the history of being on stage if I recall correctly. But still, at the end of it the worship went on pretty well and Eng Kwang said the whole band was quite awesome that day. Not sure if he had intently heard me gone off. Maybe the mixer had an auto-off-detector sensor that censors off tune singers.
There was something that hit me during the service. I once thought about what I was afraid of over the last week. And I had come to the conclusion that Daniel wasn't afraid of anything sufficiently for it to be categorised as fear, or so I thought. The preacher said this sometime during the service,"Lest one day Jesus would say to us,'Get away from me, I never knew you.'" And all of a sudden, that got me thinking. What if the day would come when Jesus would say the same things to me, what would it be like to be rejected by God? It hit me like a bug smashed on a windscreen that my number 1 fear in life was rejection. Perhaps its due to some circumstances and past experiences in life that this fear had crept up somewhere behind me. I'm not the type who hides behind fear, I mean even if I was afraid, I would do it. That's me. But being rejected by God was one thing I could never take. It got me trembling, literally. I breathed,"God the whole world can reject me, but not You. Please, not You."
At the end of the service, people got up to the front to be prayed for and being the Worship Leader, it was my task to sing the few songs and get the music going. But I was still trembling beneath, and physically shaking. There was a point in the song I couldnt sing, I had just wanted to drop the mic and go to the front to be prayed for instead. But what would have been my prayer request? "Pastor, I'm afraid of being rejected by God. Please ask God not to reject me?" Actually I'm pretty sure God wouldn't reject me. But all those past experiences are just telling you,"He might.. He might.. Oh you'll never know..". I had lasted through to the end of the service, but only just. But i went back with a realization of something. This innate fear had shaped me somewhat. Because of this I am always trying to be nice, and a well-received person. Sometimes even having to make certain decisions just to win popularity votes from others. I'ld never intently say things nor do things to hurt other people. And I believe in trusting others, the "why not rather be cheated?" mentality. Well, at least I'm sure God won't cheat me. Nor reject me for the matter, so why not rather be married to God instead?
No comments:
Post a Comment